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Crazy, "Possessed" Alarm System

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I will try to put as much detail into this, in chronological order, as possible. It's baffled me, and I don't want to pay Hyundai's $110 diagnostic fee (even if it's a warrantied problem)

I bought the car in September '10, and never had a single problem with it until this. 4cyl/5spd in case that applies.


So, early in the fall, as I go to grab my wallet from my car to hit the bar, I press unlock on my key remote, and the car goes insane. All witnesses describe it the same: possessed. It wasn't a steady alarm, it was like someone was insanely angry and beeping the horn, flashing head/taillights, blinkers, hazards, . As I desperately try locking and unlocking with the remote, panic button (which activated a different, steady horn, then shut off when I pressed it again) Pull the fuse panel cover, find an alarm shutoff button, doesn't do anything. Finally some combination of these and putting the key in the ignition shut it off. All of my neighbors were in their doorways angry, asking "what my problem is" because it looked like I was sitting in it honking, waiting for people to go to the bar with me.

Embarrassing. Figured it was a fluke.

5am, same night, I'm playing xbox drunk with my friends, and I hear my car going insane again, run to my bedroom where my keys are on my couch, nowhere near anyone, and try pressing lock/unlock, and a cop happened to be driving by, stopped, so I pop my hood and pull the battery terminal while he and his partner talk about writing me up for a noise violation. Super fun.
Next morning, go to reconnect it for work, same "possession" electrical system craziness, disconnected, pulled the horn fuse, and could hear a relay under the dash clicking in the same indistinguishable pattern. Slow click on, click off and on fast, slow, fast 3 times, etc etc.
So, I've had the horn fuse pulled, but almost every time I get in my car between dusk and 9am, the relay goes crazy like the alarm system is trying to go off, sometimes the alarm cancel button kills it, sometimes button combinations on the remote. Usually it's a full 3-4 minutes of me trying to mess with it. Due to this timing, I assume its moisture/condensation related, except it never does it at work even during rain.

Because the horn fuse is pulled, it's only an inconvenience to me currently, but I'd like to, you know, have a horn to use. I just hope someone has some form of an idea/experience with this. I couldn't find ANYTHING online. I know my solutions aren't well tested, unfortunately it seems to be almost random as to what turns it off.

I'm using the stock alarm shutoff fob: before this problem, the alarm never went off, I didn't think I had one. I could unlock the trunk with the key and the security system active with nothing going off. I could pull the door handle with the car locked and no alarm. I figured the red flasher was just a deterrent. I always lock/unlock my door with the electronic lock, never the key.

Also, possibly separate but Occam's Razor tells me it's related: This relay going off killed my battery the other day, and when I got a jump, the red LED blinks twice rapidly, repeatedly, whether the car is locked, unlocked, off, or on. The ignition works perfectly.

Hopefully someone can help! I've been working on cars for 13 years, and sold parts for 4, I'd hear about all the problems mechanics couldn't figure out, and often helped to solve them. I consider myself extremely well versed in vehicular diagnostics and repair (beyond plugging in an OBD/II port) and I have NO idea what's going on.

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